My youngest brother turns 39 today. I am very happy that he is able to see one more B'day. I kept thinking of calling him but i kept forgetting it too. My heart goes out to him. I wonder who all would have wished him and what might have he done? He is living all by himself dealing with post stress syndrome. He is unable to hold a job but he is comfortable to live his life. he gets a bit of money to sustain life. I remember him to be a very anal yet extremely intelligent boy. I think we all petered him so much that he never could develop self confidence the way i did or others did. A constant nagging-raggin -and above all teasing led him to be a very impulsive and aggressive man. His intelligence opened most doors he knocked on and his anal focus got him several awards.
He was a feared commando and a fearless soldier. He dedicated his more than 7 young years of his life. As stress got to him, his attention and focus was not appreciated and he decided to quit the service he adored and held high. I knew that he had a very tough life and had long stressful postings. He was a pride for his regiment when he was feared and was fearless.
Today when it is his B'day and he is not where he was productive i wonder if anyone cares how he is and what is he doing? I am to be blamed too. In my world of stress and worries i have forgotten my family who is going through a tough time. Or am i just numb and detatched? I think the later as i do not want to slide down the path of depression. Especially when i am so far awy form everyone. When i think about my family i miss my time. I am missing every kind of occasion. Good and painful. I wish dear brother somehow you can recover and realise who you are and what you can do! Today as i sit here alone in my living room about to go to bed, i wish you a happy year ahead and a peacful life hereon. As a sister living farthest away apart from praying i don't have much to do for you.
So with all my heart and with my most sincere prayers i wish you a happy B'day and a cheerful life ahead.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
.........and i meet God
I was listening to the translation of a verse from Geeta last Sunday. and Swamiji explained a situation when we can attain Nirvana. When our soul meets the Almighty. He said the devotion and selfless service can help us attain Nirvana. People agreed with him completely. I did too.
But i meet him all the time. I meet God when i see my kids happily sleeping in their bed. I see God when i see a happy bird eating a bite of bird seed. When i see a kid licking an ice-cream. I meet God in the play ground when i see kids cheerfully playing and screaming with joy. I meet Him when i eat a big bite of multi layered Chocolate-nut-rum pastry! I meet Him when i get a smile and a hug form my husband when kids are in bed and we are ready to see our favourite comedy show. When my plants are in full bloom, when i smell the first bud of my Jasmine with a foot of snow outside. When i try a new recipe and it taste just like what i had tasted earlier. When i see a wonderful shoes and they fit me right too! When i can sleep in late on Saturday without worrying about the dirty kitchen. When i walk in the house and my cleaning lady has put a surprise bunch of fresh flowers. when i go to a salon and my hairdresser in a good mood. When my nail tech is happy with his wife. When my husband is with kids as i watch a chick movie on DVR. When the doctor's office gets me to the doctor without delay. When i go to people's place and they recognise my clean footwear.
I see Him in different ways and meet him in different places. How i see Him and where i meet Him is totally different from what others might. I keep my eyes open my tongue clean and my ears activated. I am always ready to see Him feel Him, Taste His presence, listen to His voice. i just wonder all the time where do others see Him. How do they hear Him, or taste His presence. I wonder about kids, i wonder about babies and women and men. I wonder how would a woman in her 80's will see Him. How would a single woman with 4 kids falling behind her mortgage would hear Him? I also wonder how does does a homeless old man ,thrown out by his own kids taste his presence?
I wonder...! and i wonder.
But i meet him all the time. I meet God when i see my kids happily sleeping in their bed. I see God when i see a happy bird eating a bite of bird seed. When i see a kid licking an ice-cream. I meet God in the play ground when i see kids cheerfully playing and screaming with joy. I meet Him when i eat a big bite of multi layered Chocolate-nut-rum pastry! I meet Him when i get a smile and a hug form my husband when kids are in bed and we are ready to see our favourite comedy show. When my plants are in full bloom, when i smell the first bud of my Jasmine with a foot of snow outside. When i try a new recipe and it taste just like what i had tasted earlier. When i see a wonderful shoes and they fit me right too! When i can sleep in late on Saturday without worrying about the dirty kitchen. When i walk in the house and my cleaning lady has put a surprise bunch of fresh flowers. when i go to a salon and my hairdresser in a good mood. When my nail tech is happy with his wife. When my husband is with kids as i watch a chick movie on DVR. When the doctor's office gets me to the doctor without delay. When i go to people's place and they recognise my clean footwear.
I see Him in different ways and meet him in different places. How i see Him and where i meet Him is totally different from what others might. I keep my eyes open my tongue clean and my ears activated. I am always ready to see Him feel Him, Taste His presence, listen to His voice. i just wonder all the time where do others see Him. How do they hear Him, or taste His presence. I wonder about kids, i wonder about babies and women and men. I wonder how would a woman in her 80's will see Him. How would a single woman with 4 kids falling behind her mortgage would hear Him? I also wonder how does does a homeless old man ,thrown out by his own kids taste his presence?
I wonder...! and i wonder.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Anniversary
Today is my parents wedding anniversary. They would have been married for 69 yrs today only death had them apart. They were happy to be with each other and had a great understanding. My mother was calm quiet and patient. She usually never raised her voice or got angry with us. She will be quiet and look at us, it was enough for us to freeze in our track. My father on the other had was the louder one. He could scare us with threats and punishments. being a girl i usually escaped his punishments.
I was always attached to my mom and i learned everything form her. Cooking, embroidery,knitting and all other aspects of life. My dad was more attached to his sons. I never felt love from him. I was never even expected to say anything about it. Even today when i voice my concern about my dad's discrimination my brothers get offended. Most of the fatherly love came from one or two of my elder brothers. Later in life i got fatherly love from my father-in-law. I saw my parents arguing and discussing and later in life i even saw them fighting each other..but most of the time they agreed on most of the decisions. A marriage that survived for 63 yrs and then my dad passed away. My mom could not bear it. She passed away 13 months later. I remember ever anniversary day my mom would cook something nice for all of us, later when we were in city away from cantonments(base) we were treated with fresh sweets from old town.
I grew up and left after being married and this was the day i always called and wished my parents on their anniversary. On their 50th anniversary we all got together and met them in person my Dad gave another wedding ring and a beautiful "pach-ranga" Saree. My mom had always craved for bright Rajasthani clothes and my dad always liked dull western colors.
After so many years i still wonder if they had any time when they were happy and content with each other? Did they have a good life and good understanding with each other? I am now very happy with my new life. My husband is very loving and supportive of anything that i do. I don't have to take permission. Sometimes i just wonder how did my mom live a duty bound life. Was she happy was she loved and cared for or she did everything because she was supposed to be who she was.
But as it is the day when you got married to my dad and made all of us and took care of us mom i want to say i Love you and i miss you. I am thankful for everything that you did for me. I wish i can be as loving a mom as you were to me. You made me strong and who i am today. i wish i can be same for my two daughters. I also wish i can be as calm and strong as you were. I pray today for your peace and i pray God that your soul rests in peace.
I was always attached to my mom and i learned everything form her. Cooking, embroidery,knitting and all other aspects of life. My dad was more attached to his sons. I never felt love from him. I was never even expected to say anything about it. Even today when i voice my concern about my dad's discrimination my brothers get offended. Most of the fatherly love came from one or two of my elder brothers. Later in life i got fatherly love from my father-in-law. I saw my parents arguing and discussing and later in life i even saw them fighting each other..but most of the time they agreed on most of the decisions. A marriage that survived for 63 yrs and then my dad passed away. My mom could not bear it. She passed away 13 months later. I remember ever anniversary day my mom would cook something nice for all of us, later when we were in city away from cantonments(base) we were treated with fresh sweets from old town.
I grew up and left after being married and this was the day i always called and wished my parents on their anniversary. On their 50th anniversary we all got together and met them in person my Dad gave another wedding ring and a beautiful "pach-ranga" Saree. My mom had always craved for bright Rajasthani clothes and my dad always liked dull western colors.
After so many years i still wonder if they had any time when they were happy and content with each other? Did they have a good life and good understanding with each other? I am now very happy with my new life. My husband is very loving and supportive of anything that i do. I don't have to take permission. Sometimes i just wonder how did my mom live a duty bound life. Was she happy was she loved and cared for or she did everything because she was supposed to be who she was.
But as it is the day when you got married to my dad and made all of us and took care of us mom i want to say i Love you and i miss you. I am thankful for everything that you did for me. I wish i can be as loving a mom as you were to me. You made me strong and who i am today. i wish i can be same for my two daughters. I also wish i can be as calm and strong as you were. I pray today for your peace and i pray God that your soul rests in peace.
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