I plan my week with the therapy sessions as the most important event of the day. I can't miss any of it. I have to exercise threetimes a day and I am trying hard to do exercise for my body three times a week. When kids are hanging around at home and want to watch T.V. and do nothing it is hard to drag them out for a walk. Anyway i am sure that will happen now as kids are back in school today, technically tomorrow! We went to downtown a few times and walked the usual mignificient mile. I think i must also find some other parts other than the usual path. i think i am done with the views and the stores they have. I need to move a bit away from the touristy joints.
Garden has started giving us great harvest. My Husbands favourite egg plants of two kinds. I am happy that this year we have at least a few more things growing than other years. Apples are the same spotted and not perfect. I think we should find a better part and take a bite. I hate the thought of chopping the tree off. But every year i am disappointed. I just hope i find a solution to make my apples spotless.
I am looking forward when i can have a proper schedule and start my day earlier and to to gym and have some workout. It's been three months and i am missing my excersices and Yoga. I have been trying to go for walks after we are done with dinner. It seems it is a long time. Cook, serve and then clean. It all seems like 6 hours. End of the day is tougher as i don't have any more strength. But i am looking forward to workouts to help me increase my stamina.
Kids are enrlled in different lessons and now my fall, winter and spring will be a lot of driving around. But i guess it is all worth it. Kids have attended a few summer parties and have been pesterting me to have one for them as well. Didn't i give a big b'day gift ot my older one by sending her to London? But i guess i have to do it for Little one!
All my classes are over, and now september will start my new classes. I am looking forward to start a few classes with teens. It is such a waste i know meditation and Pranayam and i am not imprting the knowledge. How can you fill a cup when it is turned upside down. But i am also sure i need to make more efforts to start classes.
It is kids first day of school and i am looking forward to start my own schedule. When you work form home and not have a set schedule your days are taken to be almost free. But let's see what this new academic year has in store for me!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Summer-I
It has been a long summer. Long and painful. I went to India in spring and spent over a month. Grieving and living in Ashram. It was hot but my stay in areas was OK as i wasn't exposed to heat as much. Bikaner was hot only in terms of family politics and people i didn't want to see. And Ashram was OK as it was air-conditioned. I know Ashram and air-condtioner do not go hand in hand, but it is a place where i could at least spend time away from the hotch-potch of family matters. I was away from my kids that was ripping me apart.
Every day was meditation and Yoga and lot of treatments for my body and mind. I was also getting a few training session with the Dr. on campus to help expand my knowledge of Yoga teaching skills. It was strange how i slept for my first 3 days. I was fatigued mentally and physically. I had jet lag and the greatest pain of loosing a sibling unexpectedly. Many days were a daze. I barely got a chance to talk to my kids. Or to anyone else in India. I was fasting and my days were spent Meditating, walking, attending yoga classes. Rest of the days were in the treatment area.
It was a place away from every possible streets i spend my life. There was no way of getting even a tooth paste. My option to be able to shop was 10-15 miles away and it would take me an hour to reach travelling a primitive Jeep. Not that i was missing anything. But the fact that i wasn't able to get up and drive myself anywhere used to knaw at me. i missed driving and be able to do things for myself. Serice was fantastic. Staff was extremely polite. I had missed the polite humble service of my home state for 20 yrs. It was great to be able to talk in my mother tongue and have fun with the local people as well as staff. During my stay i was trying to get some relief on my rotator cuff and my mind. I felt better with my mind but the shoulder didn't get any relief. So i decided to get the surgery scheduled ASAP.
As i was preparing for the surgery i was planning my garden and planting it too. I cleaned up kids winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. i had a lot of things to do and i spent my time back form India planning to get ready to do nothing for 2-3 months. I got in the surgery and experienced the most painful part of my life physically. I can't take pain-killers and so i had to tolerate most of the pain awake. After 3-4 days i realised i was asking my 11 yr old do a lot of things for me. Soi decided to send her for a wonderful and fun filled trip to London. She stayed with my brother and mooched around the locality! As she was away i experienced the most tough time in my recent memory. In couple of weeks i got Patty to work for me to help me for 3-4 hours a day which was always 4-5 hours a day. She is a blessing for me. I had big relief and survived through my tough days. I started driving in 2 weeks and then it became better. Shoulder was getting better and i started therapy three times a week. I am still undergoing therapy..................
Every day was meditation and Yoga and lot of treatments for my body and mind. I was also getting a few training session with the Dr. on campus to help expand my knowledge of Yoga teaching skills. It was strange how i slept for my first 3 days. I was fatigued mentally and physically. I had jet lag and the greatest pain of loosing a sibling unexpectedly. Many days were a daze. I barely got a chance to talk to my kids. Or to anyone else in India. I was fasting and my days were spent Meditating, walking, attending yoga classes. Rest of the days were in the treatment area.
It was a place away from every possible streets i spend my life. There was no way of getting even a tooth paste. My option to be able to shop was 10-15 miles away and it would take me an hour to reach travelling a primitive Jeep. Not that i was missing anything. But the fact that i wasn't able to get up and drive myself anywhere used to knaw at me. i missed driving and be able to do things for myself. Serice was fantastic. Staff was extremely polite. I had missed the polite humble service of my home state for 20 yrs. It was great to be able to talk in my mother tongue and have fun with the local people as well as staff. During my stay i was trying to get some relief on my rotator cuff and my mind. I felt better with my mind but the shoulder didn't get any relief. So i decided to get the surgery scheduled ASAP.
As i was preparing for the surgery i was planning my garden and planting it too. I cleaned up kids winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. i had a lot of things to do and i spent my time back form India planning to get ready to do nothing for 2-3 months. I got in the surgery and experienced the most painful part of my life physically. I can't take pain-killers and so i had to tolerate most of the pain awake. After 3-4 days i realised i was asking my 11 yr old do a lot of things for me. Soi decided to send her for a wonderful and fun filled trip to London. She stayed with my brother and mooched around the locality! As she was away i experienced the most tough time in my recent memory. In couple of weeks i got Patty to work for me to help me for 3-4 hours a day which was always 4-5 hours a day. She is a blessing for me. I had big relief and survived through my tough days. I started driving in 2 weeks and then it became better. Shoulder was getting better and i started therapy three times a week. I am still undergoing therapy..................
Friday, March 6, 2009
Busha
My day started as a regular day. A few things started falling out of the place. We could not set an alarm and my DD missed her early morning band. And i tried to get the rest of the day in order. I got dressed for the morning walk. It was a wonderfully warm day. i wanted to take advantage of the weather and walk in the woods. I thought of my friend and called her to walk with me. I dropped my younger DD and i was waiting for my friend to come join me. I got a call form her. A panic call. She had found her mom not breathing ,her pulse was gone. She called para-medics and they told her that she had passed away in sleep. I was there a few minutes later and i stood by her side when priest said the last rites and funeral home guy came.
In a few minutes it was all over. She was gone. I first met her when i went to my friends home to have a cup of coffee. I found her to be an attractive and warm lady. She hugged me with love and a few weeks later without my knowledge she was my grandma. My friend is my kids adopted grandma. Since then every western holiday we are together in her house and every Indian in mine.
She was active and i always found her hair well done and speech sharp. She would never think of her self as old. She was 87. She was getting less active and was unable to drive. But her spirit was high and her voice very commanding. She had a Russian accent and she took time to frame certain thoughts but she was never old.
She would bake lemon bars for my booth in trade shows. She would bake muffins for my kids, and every Christmas she will host me in her house with her entire family. We live close by so it is easier to be there for everything that they do. Yesterday we had planned to have her over for my younger DD for her first Teej. She was wiling to try every Indian thing...be it food,clothes or festivals.
She lived a great life,worked hard , resettled in US and made a lot of friends. Her door has been open for all for a long time now. My friend lived with her for most of her life. Today she was gone for her journey home. I still can't come to terms with the fact that she will not walk into the hallway and ask me about my business.
It made me think, we fight and we have strong feeling for people but who knows who will go away one day without giving us a chance to make amends. But i think Busha had no one that had to make amends with her. She was a warm person full of love and charm. Always ready to volunteer to reach out and help out. I know you are wiping my tears right now as i write this note. But i had to help my friend grieve her mom i can't cry when i have to hold the fort.I will always love you and miss your smile. Busha stay with angels and don't forget the people you have left grieving behind.
In a few minutes it was all over. She was gone. I first met her when i went to my friends home to have a cup of coffee. I found her to be an attractive and warm lady. She hugged me with love and a few weeks later without my knowledge she was my grandma. My friend is my kids adopted grandma. Since then every western holiday we are together in her house and every Indian in mine.
She was active and i always found her hair well done and speech sharp. She would never think of her self as old. She was 87. She was getting less active and was unable to drive. But her spirit was high and her voice very commanding. She had a Russian accent and she took time to frame certain thoughts but she was never old.
She would bake lemon bars for my booth in trade shows. She would bake muffins for my kids, and every Christmas she will host me in her house with her entire family. We live close by so it is easier to be there for everything that they do. Yesterday we had planned to have her over for my younger DD for her first Teej. She was wiling to try every Indian thing...be it food,clothes or festivals.
She lived a great life,worked hard , resettled in US and made a lot of friends. Her door has been open for all for a long time now. My friend lived with her for most of her life. Today she was gone for her journey home. I still can't come to terms with the fact that she will not walk into the hallway and ask me about my business.
It made me think, we fight and we have strong feeling for people but who knows who will go away one day without giving us a chance to make amends. But i think Busha had no one that had to make amends with her. She was a warm person full of love and charm. Always ready to volunteer to reach out and help out. I know you are wiping my tears right now as i write this note. But i had to help my friend grieve her mom i can't cry when i have to hold the fort.I will always love you and miss your smile. Busha stay with angels and don't forget the people you have left grieving behind.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Happy B'day dear Brother
My youngest brother turns 39 today. I am very happy that he is able to see one more B'day. I kept thinking of calling him but i kept forgetting it too. My heart goes out to him. I wonder who all would have wished him and what might have he done? He is living all by himself dealing with post stress syndrome. He is unable to hold a job but he is comfortable to live his life. he gets a bit of money to sustain life. I remember him to be a very anal yet extremely intelligent boy. I think we all petered him so much that he never could develop self confidence the way i did or others did. A constant nagging-raggin -and above all teasing led him to be a very impulsive and aggressive man. His intelligence opened most doors he knocked on and his anal focus got him several awards.
He was a feared commando and a fearless soldier. He dedicated his more than 7 young years of his life. As stress got to him, his attention and focus was not appreciated and he decided to quit the service he adored and held high. I knew that he had a very tough life and had long stressful postings. He was a pride for his regiment when he was feared and was fearless.
Today when it is his B'day and he is not where he was productive i wonder if anyone cares how he is and what is he doing? I am to be blamed too. In my world of stress and worries i have forgotten my family who is going through a tough time. Or am i just numb and detatched? I think the later as i do not want to slide down the path of depression. Especially when i am so far awy form everyone. When i think about my family i miss my time. I am missing every kind of occasion. Good and painful. I wish dear brother somehow you can recover and realise who you are and what you can do! Today as i sit here alone in my living room about to go to bed, i wish you a happy year ahead and a peacful life hereon. As a sister living farthest away apart from praying i don't have much to do for you.
So with all my heart and with my most sincere prayers i wish you a happy B'day and a cheerful life ahead.
He was a feared commando and a fearless soldier. He dedicated his more than 7 young years of his life. As stress got to him, his attention and focus was not appreciated and he decided to quit the service he adored and held high. I knew that he had a very tough life and had long stressful postings. He was a pride for his regiment when he was feared and was fearless.
Today when it is his B'day and he is not where he was productive i wonder if anyone cares how he is and what is he doing? I am to be blamed too. In my world of stress and worries i have forgotten my family who is going through a tough time. Or am i just numb and detatched? I think the later as i do not want to slide down the path of depression. Especially when i am so far awy form everyone. When i think about my family i miss my time. I am missing every kind of occasion. Good and painful. I wish dear brother somehow you can recover and realise who you are and what you can do! Today as i sit here alone in my living room about to go to bed, i wish you a happy year ahead and a peacful life hereon. As a sister living farthest away apart from praying i don't have much to do for you.
So with all my heart and with my most sincere prayers i wish you a happy B'day and a cheerful life ahead.
.........and i meet God
I was listening to the translation of a verse from Geeta last Sunday. and Swamiji explained a situation when we can attain Nirvana. When our soul meets the Almighty. He said the devotion and selfless service can help us attain Nirvana. People agreed with him completely. I did too.
But i meet him all the time. I meet God when i see my kids happily sleeping in their bed. I see God when i see a happy bird eating a bite of bird seed. When i see a kid licking an ice-cream. I meet God in the play ground when i see kids cheerfully playing and screaming with joy. I meet Him when i eat a big bite of multi layered Chocolate-nut-rum pastry! I meet Him when i get a smile and a hug form my husband when kids are in bed and we are ready to see our favourite comedy show. When my plants are in full bloom, when i smell the first bud of my Jasmine with a foot of snow outside. When i try a new recipe and it taste just like what i had tasted earlier. When i see a wonderful shoes and they fit me right too! When i can sleep in late on Saturday without worrying about the dirty kitchen. When i walk in the house and my cleaning lady has put a surprise bunch of fresh flowers. when i go to a salon and my hairdresser in a good mood. When my nail tech is happy with his wife. When my husband is with kids as i watch a chick movie on DVR. When the doctor's office gets me to the doctor without delay. When i go to people's place and they recognise my clean footwear.
I see Him in different ways and meet him in different places. How i see Him and where i meet Him is totally different from what others might. I keep my eyes open my tongue clean and my ears activated. I am always ready to see Him feel Him, Taste His presence, listen to His voice. i just wonder all the time where do others see Him. How do they hear Him, or taste His presence. I wonder about kids, i wonder about babies and women and men. I wonder how would a woman in her 80's will see Him. How would a single woman with 4 kids falling behind her mortgage would hear Him? I also wonder how does does a homeless old man ,thrown out by his own kids taste his presence?
I wonder...! and i wonder.
But i meet him all the time. I meet God when i see my kids happily sleeping in their bed. I see God when i see a happy bird eating a bite of bird seed. When i see a kid licking an ice-cream. I meet God in the play ground when i see kids cheerfully playing and screaming with joy. I meet Him when i eat a big bite of multi layered Chocolate-nut-rum pastry! I meet Him when i get a smile and a hug form my husband when kids are in bed and we are ready to see our favourite comedy show. When my plants are in full bloom, when i smell the first bud of my Jasmine with a foot of snow outside. When i try a new recipe and it taste just like what i had tasted earlier. When i see a wonderful shoes and they fit me right too! When i can sleep in late on Saturday without worrying about the dirty kitchen. When i walk in the house and my cleaning lady has put a surprise bunch of fresh flowers. when i go to a salon and my hairdresser in a good mood. When my nail tech is happy with his wife. When my husband is with kids as i watch a chick movie on DVR. When the doctor's office gets me to the doctor without delay. When i go to people's place and they recognise my clean footwear.
I see Him in different ways and meet him in different places. How i see Him and where i meet Him is totally different from what others might. I keep my eyes open my tongue clean and my ears activated. I am always ready to see Him feel Him, Taste His presence, listen to His voice. i just wonder all the time where do others see Him. How do they hear Him, or taste His presence. I wonder about kids, i wonder about babies and women and men. I wonder how would a woman in her 80's will see Him. How would a single woman with 4 kids falling behind her mortgage would hear Him? I also wonder how does does a homeless old man ,thrown out by his own kids taste his presence?
I wonder...! and i wonder.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Anniversary
Today is my parents wedding anniversary. They would have been married for 69 yrs today only death had them apart. They were happy to be with each other and had a great understanding. My mother was calm quiet and patient. She usually never raised her voice or got angry with us. She will be quiet and look at us, it was enough for us to freeze in our track. My father on the other had was the louder one. He could scare us with threats and punishments. being a girl i usually escaped his punishments.
I was always attached to my mom and i learned everything form her. Cooking, embroidery,knitting and all other aspects of life. My dad was more attached to his sons. I never felt love from him. I was never even expected to say anything about it. Even today when i voice my concern about my dad's discrimination my brothers get offended. Most of the fatherly love came from one or two of my elder brothers. Later in life i got fatherly love from my father-in-law. I saw my parents arguing and discussing and later in life i even saw them fighting each other..but most of the time they agreed on most of the decisions. A marriage that survived for 63 yrs and then my dad passed away. My mom could not bear it. She passed away 13 months later. I remember ever anniversary day my mom would cook something nice for all of us, later when we were in city away from cantonments(base) we were treated with fresh sweets from old town.
I grew up and left after being married and this was the day i always called and wished my parents on their anniversary. On their 50th anniversary we all got together and met them in person my Dad gave another wedding ring and a beautiful "pach-ranga" Saree. My mom had always craved for bright Rajasthani clothes and my dad always liked dull western colors.
After so many years i still wonder if they had any time when they were happy and content with each other? Did they have a good life and good understanding with each other? I am now very happy with my new life. My husband is very loving and supportive of anything that i do. I don't have to take permission. Sometimes i just wonder how did my mom live a duty bound life. Was she happy was she loved and cared for or she did everything because she was supposed to be who she was.
But as it is the day when you got married to my dad and made all of us and took care of us mom i want to say i Love you and i miss you. I am thankful for everything that you did for me. I wish i can be as loving a mom as you were to me. You made me strong and who i am today. i wish i can be same for my two daughters. I also wish i can be as calm and strong as you were. I pray today for your peace and i pray God that your soul rests in peace.
I was always attached to my mom and i learned everything form her. Cooking, embroidery,knitting and all other aspects of life. My dad was more attached to his sons. I never felt love from him. I was never even expected to say anything about it. Even today when i voice my concern about my dad's discrimination my brothers get offended. Most of the fatherly love came from one or two of my elder brothers. Later in life i got fatherly love from my father-in-law. I saw my parents arguing and discussing and later in life i even saw them fighting each other..but most of the time they agreed on most of the decisions. A marriage that survived for 63 yrs and then my dad passed away. My mom could not bear it. She passed away 13 months later. I remember ever anniversary day my mom would cook something nice for all of us, later when we were in city away from cantonments(base) we were treated with fresh sweets from old town.
I grew up and left after being married and this was the day i always called and wished my parents on their anniversary. On their 50th anniversary we all got together and met them in person my Dad gave another wedding ring and a beautiful "pach-ranga" Saree. My mom had always craved for bright Rajasthani clothes and my dad always liked dull western colors.
After so many years i still wonder if they had any time when they were happy and content with each other? Did they have a good life and good understanding with each other? I am now very happy with my new life. My husband is very loving and supportive of anything that i do. I don't have to take permission. Sometimes i just wonder how did my mom live a duty bound life. Was she happy was she loved and cared for or she did everything because she was supposed to be who she was.
But as it is the day when you got married to my dad and made all of us and took care of us mom i want to say i Love you and i miss you. I am thankful for everything that you did for me. I wish i can be as loving a mom as you were to me. You made me strong and who i am today. i wish i can be same for my two daughters. I also wish i can be as calm and strong as you were. I pray today for your peace and i pray God that your soul rests in peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
