This month i lost another family member. And this gave me an opportunity to connect with my cousins little more. It is sad to see them go through pain that i have gone through 6 years ago.
May my Aunt's soul rest peace. I pray for my cousins to have strength and sail through this difficult times. After parents die most families fight, as anger is also a part of grieving after the death of parents or close family member. I hope and pray my cousins will not fight in fact is they have any grudges or problems they come closer and grieve together.
I miss my home and i miss going to my parents. When my parents were alive my mom will ask me about my plans to visit her. It was nice to go home. As is there was a huge magnet pulling me. When i went there first time from US i could not wait to get in the car, get in the plane and then waited impatiently to get to the city where i could catch a train to get home. It was a sad occasion my dad had passed away but even then it was nice to go home. I was up early waiting to see the empty desert pass by and a city pop up in the horizon. It was HOT and it was very dusty. It was summer season of heat and sand-storm. It was meeting a lot of relatives and a lot of crying and surprisingly, laugh.
I am extremely progressive in my family. But i am surprised to know that i am considered a conservative in my in-laws side. yes i oppose shunning Indian values, and i want to make sure my family adapts to the American life-styles but not at the cost of leaving Indian values. When i see my husband's brother not lighting a single lamp on Diwali, not calling and keeping in touch with us at all, when i see my 12 yr old daughter want to fit in to the extent that she quits on her favourite food and her mother tongue. It feels like i came to place where i am handing our my kids, family and life to strangers. I want my kids to grow up respecting loving both side of their family. I want my daughters to respect their in-laws and get involved with their family. Unlike some of the women who are married in my family.
But for now i am watching most of my values falling apart, my husbands family far away from my kids. My identity is lost, my life has changed. This is home to my kids. and more than me my husband loves it here. Though he misses his home town. He is primarily happy here. Three people out of four of us are at home. One has to find something to find here. So i will learn to move on. As i know the bitter reality; no one waits for me in the vast desert. No one wakes up early in the morning and wait for the train to halt at the train station. No one collects small little things that i love or fancy for. It is all in my head. If it is all in my head than I should make peace with it and move on. So here i am life i am moving on!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Regularity
I am never regular with anything other than my daily living. I eat, i sleep and my body works regularly. As i work form home and i teach at several locations i never get to be regular with anything. I don't have a set schedule to my life. I wake up use the bathroom and then it could be anything from emptying my dish-washer to sitting leisurely sipping on a cup of tea.
A lot is going on in my life and it is fast changing. Kids are growing and they are a lot of fun. Though my older one is changing with her American friends, i can see her growing with deep respect and values from her native country. She is shunning several habits that was her personality, but i know it is her transition.
With all the changing dynamics in her life i wonder how can i stay regular with anything? I am constantly deviating form my path. I look for a short time when i can be one with my laptop and sit to write something, anything. It is all such a fast paced dream. At times it is a nightmare that doesn't end. But is keeping my on toes and it catches me off guard often. I have lost everything that is regular in my life. And i miss it. Something needs to happen to make things a bit more regular, where i can sit back and know for sure what i am going to do next. I know my Yoga classes are everyday but in then sometimes i can't keep them regular too as the organizers change schedule on me. It use to annoy me initially but now i am a game to all that pops up with unexpected irregularity.
I had to go for a small business expo today but then two things changes and it all was different. Regularity from my day was thrown out.
I want to be writing regularly but i can't something comes up and I am thrown away from my seat. All I can do at this point is to keep trying and write whenever I can write...... ir/regularly.
A lot is going on in my life and it is fast changing. Kids are growing and they are a lot of fun. Though my older one is changing with her American friends, i can see her growing with deep respect and values from her native country. She is shunning several habits that was her personality, but i know it is her transition.
With all the changing dynamics in her life i wonder how can i stay regular with anything? I am constantly deviating form my path. I look for a short time when i can be one with my laptop and sit to write something, anything. It is all such a fast paced dream. At times it is a nightmare that doesn't end. But is keeping my on toes and it catches me off guard often. I have lost everything that is regular in my life. And i miss it. Something needs to happen to make things a bit more regular, where i can sit back and know for sure what i am going to do next. I know my Yoga classes are everyday but in then sometimes i can't keep them regular too as the organizers change schedule on me. It use to annoy me initially but now i am a game to all that pops up with unexpected irregularity.
I had to go for a small business expo today but then two things changes and it all was different. Regularity from my day was thrown out.
I want to be writing regularly but i can't something comes up and I am thrown away from my seat. All I can do at this point is to keep trying and write whenever I can write...... ir/regularly.
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