I have a friend. A dear friend and lately she is in a very delicate situation in her life. She has been abused by her possessive husband. It started with her coming to US. Married to an IT guy with a dreams bundled in her zari sarees. She came here to find a beautiful clean country with apartments as good as the 5-star hotel she visited a few times in her life. A science graduate, both her parents Dr.
A vivacious and beautiful girl who had a great future ahead of her. Dad had thought only America can help her achieve her high goals. Days turned into weeks, weeks in months. Rooms that were a 5-star look alike, were now American prison. With no driving skills and no car life was gloomy and boring. Slowly she tried to see as much as positive light in her life. Soon she tried to get her degree in teaching. School helped her get out a bit and life became slightly better. Life was house work pleasing husband and penniless. Grocery was bought, necessity was provided. Soon pregnancy came along and delivery was a time when mom came over to help her. A Doctor, a ObGyn and her mom was a great idea. But the obsessive and possessive husband didn't like his wife having a good time with her mom. He created every stress full time he could. As soon as the baby came along mom-in-law had to be pushed away. Several techniques were used to make her leave on her own. Mom left her daughter with a new born as hope was moms absence will bring harmony. But this was blood on control freak, his win over his wife and mother-in-law made him bolder in his abusive lifestyle.
Her husband was the sweetest man in public but a monster at home. Life kept going on with suppression and several mental harassment techniques implemented by husband designed by husbands friends. It was time her brother got married and she wasn't allowed to go. For an Indian girl marriage of younger brother is a very important event. She wasn't allowed to go her life changed. She started seeing her husband's evil mind more clearly.
But Indian girls are trained from early on to adjust and try hard enough to make their marriage work. I think girls in India should be trained differently. I have two daughters, i am not going to ask them to keep trying harder at every cost to make marriage work. I am going to keep my doors open for my daughters. I will advise them to make it work but not to the point that they will decide not to let me know when they are suffering. It is all a dejavue. I have gone through a very abusive marriage, where i was blamed for everything. I was considered a bad woman for my confidence and my will to succeed. My strive to over come all hurdles were a considered a taboo.
I see the same in my friends life. She is a beautiful girl with great mind and a kind heart. She is constantly tortured by her husband. Now she has two kids and she is under a clever house arrest. As it is necessary to have a car to move around her husband makes sure that she doesn't have any access to the car. The keys to the car is always with him. She is in her house with two kids with no contact with outer world other than her rare time on Internet and a few calls from people who constant ask her to submit completely to the whims and fancy of her abusive husband. When woman suffers and people around her make it worse, i think everyone who contributes to the sufferings should be penalised, just to deter involvement of others in human suffering. It is going very tough for her. Her confidence is broken and her mind is over taken by years of control and abuse. She is unable to hae strength to walk away form abuse. Sometimes i think she is addicted to her abusive husband. I am sad at her condition. I am helpless as i can' do much to help her. I wish i can do more than what i am doing. After what i have gone through when i see any woman suffer in marriage, it becames my personal pain. Hard to ignore and walk away.
Wow what strange relationships!
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Moving on...
This month i lost another family member. And this gave me an opportunity to connect with my cousins little more. It is sad to see them go through pain that i have gone through 6 years ago.
May my Aunt's soul rest peace. I pray for my cousins to have strength and sail through this difficult times. After parents die most families fight, as anger is also a part of grieving after the death of parents or close family member. I hope and pray my cousins will not fight in fact is they have any grudges or problems they come closer and grieve together.
I miss my home and i miss going to my parents. When my parents were alive my mom will ask me about my plans to visit her. It was nice to go home. As is there was a huge magnet pulling me. When i went there first time from US i could not wait to get in the car, get in the plane and then waited impatiently to get to the city where i could catch a train to get home. It was a sad occasion my dad had passed away but even then it was nice to go home. I was up early waiting to see the empty desert pass by and a city pop up in the horizon. It was HOT and it was very dusty. It was summer season of heat and sand-storm. It was meeting a lot of relatives and a lot of crying and surprisingly, laugh.
I am extremely progressive in my family. But i am surprised to know that i am considered a conservative in my in-laws side. yes i oppose shunning Indian values, and i want to make sure my family adapts to the American life-styles but not at the cost of leaving Indian values. When i see my husband's brother not lighting a single lamp on Diwali, not calling and keeping in touch with us at all, when i see my 12 yr old daughter want to fit in to the extent that she quits on her favourite food and her mother tongue. It feels like i came to place where i am handing our my kids, family and life to strangers. I want my kids to grow up respecting loving both side of their family. I want my daughters to respect their in-laws and get involved with their family. Unlike some of the women who are married in my family.
But for now i am watching most of my values falling apart, my husbands family far away from my kids. My identity is lost, my life has changed. This is home to my kids. and more than me my husband loves it here. Though he misses his home town. He is primarily happy here. Three people out of four of us are at home. One has to find something to find here. So i will learn to move on. As i know the bitter reality; no one waits for me in the vast desert. No one wakes up early in the morning and wait for the train to halt at the train station. No one collects small little things that i love or fancy for. It is all in my head. If it is all in my head than I should make peace with it and move on. So here i am life i am moving on!
May my Aunt's soul rest peace. I pray for my cousins to have strength and sail through this difficult times. After parents die most families fight, as anger is also a part of grieving after the death of parents or close family member. I hope and pray my cousins will not fight in fact is they have any grudges or problems they come closer and grieve together.
I miss my home and i miss going to my parents. When my parents were alive my mom will ask me about my plans to visit her. It was nice to go home. As is there was a huge magnet pulling me. When i went there first time from US i could not wait to get in the car, get in the plane and then waited impatiently to get to the city where i could catch a train to get home. It was a sad occasion my dad had passed away but even then it was nice to go home. I was up early waiting to see the empty desert pass by and a city pop up in the horizon. It was HOT and it was very dusty. It was summer season of heat and sand-storm. It was meeting a lot of relatives and a lot of crying and surprisingly, laugh.
I am extremely progressive in my family. But i am surprised to know that i am considered a conservative in my in-laws side. yes i oppose shunning Indian values, and i want to make sure my family adapts to the American life-styles but not at the cost of leaving Indian values. When i see my husband's brother not lighting a single lamp on Diwali, not calling and keeping in touch with us at all, when i see my 12 yr old daughter want to fit in to the extent that she quits on her favourite food and her mother tongue. It feels like i came to place where i am handing our my kids, family and life to strangers. I want my kids to grow up respecting loving both side of their family. I want my daughters to respect their in-laws and get involved with their family. Unlike some of the women who are married in my family.
But for now i am watching most of my values falling apart, my husbands family far away from my kids. My identity is lost, my life has changed. This is home to my kids. and more than me my husband loves it here. Though he misses his home town. He is primarily happy here. Three people out of four of us are at home. One has to find something to find here. So i will learn to move on. As i know the bitter reality; no one waits for me in the vast desert. No one wakes up early in the morning and wait for the train to halt at the train station. No one collects small little things that i love or fancy for. It is all in my head. If it is all in my head than I should make peace with it and move on. So here i am life i am moving on!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Regularity
I am never regular with anything other than my daily living. I eat, i sleep and my body works regularly. As i work form home and i teach at several locations i never get to be regular with anything. I don't have a set schedule to my life. I wake up use the bathroom and then it could be anything from emptying my dish-washer to sitting leisurely sipping on a cup of tea.
A lot is going on in my life and it is fast changing. Kids are growing and they are a lot of fun. Though my older one is changing with her American friends, i can see her growing with deep respect and values from her native country. She is shunning several habits that was her personality, but i know it is her transition.
With all the changing dynamics in her life i wonder how can i stay regular with anything? I am constantly deviating form my path. I look for a short time when i can be one with my laptop and sit to write something, anything. It is all such a fast paced dream. At times it is a nightmare that doesn't end. But is keeping my on toes and it catches me off guard often. I have lost everything that is regular in my life. And i miss it. Something needs to happen to make things a bit more regular, where i can sit back and know for sure what i am going to do next. I know my Yoga classes are everyday but in then sometimes i can't keep them regular too as the organizers change schedule on me. It use to annoy me initially but now i am a game to all that pops up with unexpected irregularity.
I had to go for a small business expo today but then two things changes and it all was different. Regularity from my day was thrown out.
I want to be writing regularly but i can't something comes up and I am thrown away from my seat. All I can do at this point is to keep trying and write whenever I can write...... ir/regularly.
A lot is going on in my life and it is fast changing. Kids are growing and they are a lot of fun. Though my older one is changing with her American friends, i can see her growing with deep respect and values from her native country. She is shunning several habits that was her personality, but i know it is her transition.
With all the changing dynamics in her life i wonder how can i stay regular with anything? I am constantly deviating form my path. I look for a short time when i can be one with my laptop and sit to write something, anything. It is all such a fast paced dream. At times it is a nightmare that doesn't end. But is keeping my on toes and it catches me off guard often. I have lost everything that is regular in my life. And i miss it. Something needs to happen to make things a bit more regular, where i can sit back and know for sure what i am going to do next. I know my Yoga classes are everyday but in then sometimes i can't keep them regular too as the organizers change schedule on me. It use to annoy me initially but now i am a game to all that pops up with unexpected irregularity.
I had to go for a small business expo today but then two things changes and it all was different. Regularity from my day was thrown out.
I want to be writing regularly but i can't something comes up and I am thrown away from my seat. All I can do at this point is to keep trying and write whenever I can write...... ir/regularly.
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