Busha

My day started as a regular day. A few things started falling out of the place. We could not set an alarm and my DD missed her early morning band. And i tried to get the rest of the day in order. I got dressed for the morning walk. It was a wonderfully warm day. i wanted to take advantage of the weather and walk in the woods. I thought of my friend and called her to walk with me. I dropped my younger DD and i was waiting for my friend to come join me. I got a call form her. A panic call. She had found her mom not breathing ,her pulse was gone. She called para-medics and they told her that she had passed away in sleep. I was there a few minutes later and i stood by her side when priest said the last rites and funeral home guy came.
In a few minutes it was all over. She was gone. I first met her when i went to my friends home to have a cup of coffee. I found her to be an attractive and warm lady. She hugged me with love and a few weeks later without my knowledge she was my grandma. My friend is my kids adopted grandma. Since then every western holiday we are together in her house and every Indian in mine.
She was active and i always found her hair well done and speech sharp. She would never think of her self as old. She was 87. She was getting less active and was unable to drive. But her spirit was high and her voice very commanding. She had a Russian accent and she took time to frame certain thoughts but she was never old.
She would bake lemon bars for my booth in trade shows. She would bake muffins for my kids, and every Christmas she will host me in her house with her entire family. We live close by so it is easier to be there for everything that they do. Yesterday we had planned to have her over for my younger DD for her first Teej. She was wiling to try every Indian thing...be it food,clothes or festivals.
She lived a great life,worked hard , resettled in US and made a lot of friends. Her door has been open for all for a long time now. My friend lived with her for most of her life. Today she was gone for her journey home. I still can't come to terms with the fact that she will not walk into the hallway and ask me about my business.
It made me think, we fight and we have strong feeling for people but who knows who will go away one day without giving us a chance to make amends. But i think Busha had no one that had to make amends with her. She was a warm person full of love and charm. Always ready to volunteer to reach out and help out. I know you are wiping my tears right now as i write this note. But i had to help my friend grieve her mom i can't cry when i have to hold the fort.I will always love you and miss your smile. Busha stay with angels and don't forget the people you have left grieving behind.

Happy B'day dear Brother

My youngest brother turns 39 today. I am very happy that he is able to see one more B'day. I kept thinking of calling him but i kept forgetting it too. My heart goes out to him. I wonder who all would have wished him and what might have he done? He is living all by himself dealing with post stress syndrome. He is unable to hold a job but he is comfortable to live his life. he gets a bit of money to sustain life. I remember him to be a very anal yet extremely intelligent boy. I think we all petered him so much that he never could develop self confidence the way i did or others did. A constant nagging-raggin -and above all teasing led him to be a very impulsive and aggressive man. His intelligence opened most doors he knocked on and his anal focus got him several awards.
He was a feared commando and a fearless soldier. He dedicated his more than 7 young years of his life. As stress got to him, his attention and focus was not appreciated and he decided to quit the service he adored and held high. I knew that he had a very tough life and had long stressful postings. He was a pride for his regiment when he was feared and was fearless.
Today when it is his B'day and he is not where he was productive i wonder if anyone cares how he is and what is he doing? I am to be blamed too. In my world of stress and worries i have forgotten my family who is going through a tough time. Or am i just numb and detatched? I think the later as i do not want to slide down the path of depression. Especially when i am so far awy form everyone. When i think about my family i miss my time. I am missing every kind of occasion. Good and painful. I wish dear brother somehow you can recover and realise who you are and what you can do! Today as i sit here alone in my living room about to go to bed, i wish you a happy year ahead and a peacful life hereon. As a sister living farthest away apart from praying i don't have much to do for you.
So with all my heart and with my most sincere prayers i wish you a happy B'day and a cheerful life ahead.

.........and i meet God

I was listening to the translation of a verse from Geeta last Sunday. and Swamiji explained a situation when we can attain Nirvana. When our soul meets the Almighty. He said the devotion and selfless service can help us attain Nirvana. People agreed with him completely. I did too.
But i meet him all the time. I meet God when i see my kids happily sleeping in their bed. I see God when i see a happy bird eating a bite of bird seed. When i see a kid licking an ice-cream. I meet God in the play ground when i see kids cheerfully playing and screaming with joy. I meet Him when i eat a big bite of multi layered Chocolate-nut-rum pastry! I meet Him when i get a smile and a hug form my husband when kids are in bed and we are ready to see our favourite comedy show. When my plants are in full bloom, when i smell the first bud of my Jasmine with a foot of snow outside. When i try a new recipe and it taste just like what i had tasted earlier. When i see a wonderful shoes and they fit me right too! When i can sleep in late on Saturday without worrying about the dirty kitchen. When i walk in the house and my cleaning lady has put a surprise bunch of fresh flowers. when i go to a salon and my hairdresser in a good mood. When my nail tech is happy with his wife. When my husband is with kids as i watch a chick movie on DVR. When the doctor's office gets me to the doctor without delay. When i go to people's place and they recognise my clean footwear.
I see Him in different ways and meet him in different places. How i see Him and where i meet Him is totally different from what others might. I keep my eyes open my tongue clean and my ears activated. I am always ready to see Him feel Him, Taste His presence, listen to His voice. i just wonder all the time where do others see Him. How do they hear Him, or taste His presence. I wonder about kids, i wonder about babies and women and men. I wonder how would a woman in her 80's will see Him. How would a single woman with 4 kids falling behind her mortgage would hear Him? I also wonder how does does a homeless old man ,thrown out by his own kids taste his presence?
I wonder...! and i wonder.

Anniversary

Today is my parents wedding anniversary. They would have been married for 69 yrs today only death had them apart. They were happy to be with each other and had a great understanding. My mother was calm quiet and patient. She usually never raised her voice or got angry with us. She will be quiet and look at us, it was enough for us to freeze in our track. My father on the other had was the louder one. He could scare us with threats and punishments. being a girl i usually escaped his punishments.
I was always attached to my mom and i learned everything form her. Cooking, embroidery,knitting and all other aspects of life. My dad was more attached to his sons. I never felt love from him. I was never even expected to say anything about it. Even today when i voice my concern about my dad's discrimination my brothers get offended. Most of the fatherly love came from one or two of my elder brothers. Later in life i got fatherly love from my father-in-law. I saw my parents arguing and discussing and later in life i even saw them fighting each other..but most of the time they agreed on most of the decisions. A marriage that survived for 63 yrs and then my dad passed away. My mom could not bear it. She passed away 13 months later. I remember ever anniversary day my mom would cook something nice for all of us, later when we were in city away from cantonments(base) we were treated with fresh sweets from old town.
I grew up and left after being married and this was the day i always called and wished my parents on their anniversary. On their 50th anniversary we all got together and met them in person my Dad gave another wedding ring and a beautiful "pach-ranga" Saree. My mom had always craved for bright Rajasthani clothes and my dad always liked dull western colors.
After so many years i still wonder if they had any time when they were happy and content with each other? Did they have a good life and good understanding with each other? I am now very happy with my new life. My husband is very loving and supportive of anything that i do. I don't have to take permission. Sometimes i just wonder how did my mom live a duty bound life. Was she happy was she loved and cared for or she did everything because she was supposed to be who she was.
But as it is the day when you got married to my dad and made all of us and took care of us mom i want to say i Love you and i miss you. I am thankful for everything that you did for me. I wish i can be as loving a mom as you were to me. You made me strong and who i am today. i wish i can be same for my two daughters. I also wish i can be as calm and strong as you were. I pray today for your peace and i pray God that your soul rests in peace.

मेरे बच्चे मेरी जान , कभी कभी करते हैं मुझे परेशान
हर हाल में मुझे याद दिलाते उड़ गए मेरे खुशहाल साल
सुबह होती हैं और दौड़ शुरू होती हैं, कही भी छोर नज़र नहीं आता
बच्चो कीही जिन्दंगी और बच्चो की ही बात हर पल उन्ही की साँस सुनाई देती हैं।

कहानी कही शुरू तो कही अंत होती हैं हर कहानी में पर बच्चो की परी जरूर होती हैं।
खिलौनों में बिखरी मेरी कहानी दोपहर तक एक डिब्बे में बंद होती हैं।
शाम जब घिरने लगती हैं तो शायरी नहीं रसोई के बर्तनों की चमक याद आती हैं
कहाँ पन्नों पर लिखने का शौक था पर अब तो घर घरस्तीके नुस्खे लिखने की बात होती हैं।

कही खो रहा हैं जीवन हर पल कहीं महक रहा हैं जीवन हर पल।
बच्चो के चहरे और चहरो पर हर मुस्कान में एक नज्म और एक शेर सा बनता सा लगता हैं।
कहाँ खो रहा हैं मेरा वक्त और कहाँ मेरा जीवन जा रहां हैं अफ़सोस कम मज़ा ज़्यादा दे रहां हैं .

Foot and my life

It is again a hot day in Chicago i am sure many people heard about the marathon where it was so hot that they had to have a lot of cool mist zones and many many cool buses to keep runners alive...after the 18th mile everyone was asked to walk and not run. And the unlucky and very very sorry news of a young runner dying on the run.
Any way i am not a runner and i appreciate people who can run. I can walk and i can barely run after my kids to catch them but thats about it. I am not an active mom who can play tag for a long time with their kids and their friends. I was noticing my my girl friend's husband training for this marathon. And i saw him loosing weight and looking very flexible too. And his conversations about "How to eat more calories"! !Agreed Dan is a tall and slim guy to begin with and after the training he is leaner and looks younger too. And i was so tempted to get trained.
Last year i had gone to a podiatrist and a orthopedic doctor to see if i can get something corrected inside and get trained but to my surprise i was told i have planter Facitis. Oh lala....Here i am trying to fix my calf muscle and my lower bones and there i am told that i have this????
I remember my determination to take whatever that came my way to get through those 6 months. I went everywhere on crutches and then what? I had lost the entire summer and i was so weak with all the lost muscles that i practically learn t to walk in the water. I went to the pool in the month of October and i went swimsuit shopping in fall. Took all 60 sessions of PT, changed the entire line of shoes(most expensive effect of foot problem). I have been still trying to replace all the matching for all different types of clothes that I have. I can't wear normal shoes that i wear with my dress pants. I have to wear different kinds of shoes with the Indian outfits for winter and very different kind of footwear for the summer time. SO i must have two sets of collection for each season. one that will go with western clothes and one that will go with Indian clothes. If i need 5 pairs for each time the math is simple i need bare minimum 20 pairs at any given time. And then the foot and the ache in the joints. i think i am the only person which gets bothered by Nike and Addidas. I have to look for something form Asics and New balance, and so many other expensive brands. I miss my time when i could wear any kind of footwear and play a game of badminton!
I am still going through the effect of a bad summer i still can't do much of Cardio in any Gym and i still can't do power classes. So net resultis that what ever i eat i can't burn and then i have become more interested in more things to eat.
"Oh Oh i am getting into a topic where i will be writing for rest of the life".
But with the bad foot i think our body must switch off from eating or we must start a disliking for anything to eat. Well i think i have given my foot enough time to heal and now i think i must forget about it and put it to work. And this is how came a membership in a Y! I have committed to just focus on my Pranayam and my Yoga a home and get to Y early in the morning to workout with more people around me!
When i try to workout at home i have to be quiet and slow as otherwise i will be waking up the kids which might end all my plans of any kind of workout. But when i am out with other people i get charged and feel the energy. I see many younger girls working out very hard and i get motivated. SO Y here i come ! and Yoga and Pranayam etc i have to wait for my 10 yr old to come and join me in the afternoon.
"So dear, foot here is the plan i am going to forget you and work you out. Here is the plan and i am sure by the time i am at Y you will be ready to co-operate".

Joy of stolen moments

My weekends are a whirl, i think this is what it is for most of us. I sat under the young oak tree in the open area of Chinmaya Mission Chicago looking at people parking in and out of the parking lot. It is a fairly big place for a center for vedantic studies. I think that is the ideal place for me to sit and meditate. As as summer stole a few weekends from fall in Chicago i am delighted. It is my third Sunday when i can spread my Yoga mat and dress in my latest salwar-kameez to start my meditation. I enjoy the luxury of sitting under a tree with no sound other than wind and birds. Sometime i will hear someone getting into the car or coming out. Actually the movement f people in the parking lot is the beginning of my meditation. I watch them and slowly focus on my breath and today i didn't realize when did i close my eyes. Usually my lotus position gives me cramps but today i didn't feel anything it was a nice short time with myself and my thoughts. I think it was because i had just finished my Pranayam. When i have more time than just to what I want to do I feel i am winning.
Though i am always in a hurry to do things but today those extra fifteen minute were a delight. Is it my meditation or the thought that i could meditate out in open that made me happy? Or just the fact that i stole some time for myself. I know it won't be too long before I will be running like a runner to go away form the spot that gave me so much happiness today. How easy it is to be happy and how a short time of happiness gives so much joy for rest of the day, week or years.
I have so many such instances form my life when i was happy, the hugs that my mom gave me after i saw her after a year, two year or a long time. I still feel her warmth and i still feel her embrace. Joy is spread everywhere and it is on us how do we collect it and how do we keep it within us , how we can spread it for people around us.
I think i am going to look for this joy everywhere. I am going to be aware of it's existence everywhere. As i know all i have to do is stretch my hands and gather it in my fist.