Relations

I have a friend. A dear friend and lately she is in a very delicate situation in her life. She has been abused by her possessive husband. It started with her coming to US. Married to an IT guy with a dreams bundled in her zari sarees. She came here to find a beautiful clean country with apartments as good as the 5-star hotel she visited a few times in her life. A science graduate, both her parents Dr.
A vivacious and beautiful girl who had a great future ahead of her. Dad had thought only America can help her achieve her high goals. Days turned into weeks, weeks in months. Rooms that were a 5-star look alike, were now American prison. With no driving skills and no car life was gloomy and boring. Slowly she tried to see as much as positive light in her life. Soon she tried to get her degree in teaching. School helped her get out a bit and life became slightly better. Life was house work pleasing husband and penniless. Grocery was bought, necessity was provided. Soon pregnancy came along and delivery was a time when mom came over to help her. A Doctor, a ObGyn and her mom was a great idea. But the obsessive and possessive husband didn't like his wife having a good time with her mom. He created every stress full time he could. As soon as the baby came along mom-in-law had to be pushed away. Several techniques were used to make her leave on her own. Mom left her daughter with a new born as hope was moms absence will bring harmony. But this was blood on control freak, his win over his wife and mother-in-law made him bolder in his abusive lifestyle.
Her husband was the sweetest man in public but a monster at home. Life kept going on with suppression and several mental harassment techniques implemented by husband designed by husbands friends. It was time her brother got married and she wasn't allowed to go. For an Indian girl marriage of younger brother is a very important event. She wasn't allowed to go her life changed. She started seeing her husband's evil mind more clearly.
But Indian girls are trained from early on to adjust and try hard enough to make their marriage work. I think girls in India should be trained differently. I have two daughters, i am not going to ask them to keep trying harder at every cost to make marriage work. I am going to keep my doors open for my daughters. I will advise them to make it work but not to the point that they will decide not to let me know when they are suffering. It is all a dejavue. I have gone through a very abusive marriage, where i was blamed for everything. I was considered a bad woman for my confidence and my will to succeed. My strive to over come all hurdles were a considered a taboo.
I see the same in my friends life. She is a beautiful girl with great mind and a kind heart. She is constantly tortured by her husband. Now she has two kids and she is under a clever house arrest. As it is necessary to have a car to move around her husband makes sure that she doesn't have any access to the car. The keys to the car is always with him. She is in her house with two kids with no contact with outer world other than her rare time on Internet and a few calls from people who constant ask her to submit completely to the whims and fancy of her abusive husband. When woman suffers and people around her make it worse, i think everyone who contributes to the sufferings should be penalised, just to deter involvement of others in human suffering. It is going very tough for her. Her confidence is broken and her mind is over taken by years of control and abuse. She is unable to hae strength to walk away form abuse. Sometimes i think she is addicted to her abusive husband. I am sad at her condition. I am helpless as i can' do much to help her. I wish i can do more than what i am doing. After what i have gone through when i see any woman suffer in marriage, it becames my personal pain. Hard to ignore and walk away.
Wow what strange relationships!

Moving on...

This month i lost another family member. And this gave me an opportunity to connect with my cousins little more. It is sad to see them go through pain that i have gone through 6 years ago.
May my Aunt's soul rest peace. I pray for my cousins to have strength and sail through this difficult times. After parents die most families fight, as anger is also a part of grieving after the death of parents or close family member. I hope and pray my cousins will not fight in fact is they have any grudges or problems they come closer and grieve together.
I miss my home and i miss going to my parents. When my parents were alive my mom will ask me about my plans to visit her. It was nice to go home. As is there was a huge magnet pulling me. When i went there first time from US i could not wait to get in the car, get in the plane and then waited impatiently to get to the city where i could catch a train to get home. It was a sad occasion my dad had passed away but even then it was nice to go home. I was up early waiting to see the empty desert pass by and a city pop up in the horizon. It was HOT and it was very dusty. It was summer season of heat and sand-storm. It was meeting a lot of relatives and a lot of crying and surprisingly, laugh.
I am extremely progressive in my family. But i am surprised to know that i am considered a conservative in my in-laws side. yes i oppose shunning Indian values, and i want to make sure my family adapts to the American life-styles but not at the cost of leaving Indian values. When i see my husband's brother not lighting a single lamp on Diwali, not calling and keeping in touch with us at all, when i see my 12 yr old daughter want to fit in to the extent that she quits on her favourite food and her mother tongue. It feels like i came to place where i am handing our my kids, family and life to strangers. I want my kids to grow up respecting loving both side of their family. I want my daughters to respect their in-laws and get involved with their family. Unlike some of the women who are married in my family.
But for now i am watching most of my values falling apart, my husbands family far away from my kids. My identity is lost, my life has changed. This is home to my kids. and more than me my husband loves it here. Though he misses his home town. He is primarily happy here. Three people out of four of us are at home. One has to find something to find here. So i will learn to move on. As i know the bitter reality; no one waits for me in the vast desert. No one wakes up early in the morning and wait for the train to halt at the train station. No one collects small little things that i love or fancy for. It is all in my head. If it is all in my head than I should make peace with it and move on. So here i am life i am moving on!

Regularity

I am never regular with anything other than my daily living. I eat, i sleep and my body works regularly. As i work form home and i teach at several locations i never get to be regular with anything. I don't have a set schedule to my life. I wake up use the bathroom and then it could be anything from emptying my dish-washer to sitting leisurely sipping on a cup of tea.
A lot is going on in my life and it is fast changing. Kids are growing and they are a lot of fun. Though my older one is changing with her American friends, i can see her growing with deep respect and values from her native country. She is shunning several habits that was her personality, but i know it is her transition.
With all the changing dynamics in her life i wonder how can i stay regular with anything? I am constantly deviating form my path. I look for a short time when i can be one with my laptop and sit to write something, anything. It is all such a fast paced dream. At times it is a nightmare that doesn't end. But is keeping my on toes and it catches me off guard often. I have lost everything that is regular in my life. And i miss it. Something needs to happen to make things a bit more regular, where i can sit back and know for sure what i am going to do next. I know my Yoga classes are everyday but in then sometimes i can't keep them regular too as the organizers change schedule on me. It use to annoy me initially but now i am a game to all that pops up with unexpected irregularity.
I had to go for a small business expo today but then two things changes and it all was different. Regularity from my day was thrown out.
I want to be writing regularly but i can't something comes up and I am thrown away from my seat. All I can do at this point is to keep trying and write whenever I can write...... ir/regularly.

Summer-II

I plan my week with the therapy sessions as the most important event of the day. I can't miss any of it. I have to exercise threetimes a day and I am trying hard to do exercise for my body three times a week. When kids are hanging around at home and want to watch T.V. and do nothing it is hard to drag them out for a walk. Anyway i am sure that will happen now as kids are back in school today, technically tomorrow! We went to downtown a few times and walked the usual mignificient mile. I think i must also find some other parts other than the usual path. i think i am done with the views and the stores they have. I need to move a bit away from the touristy joints.
Garden has started giving us great harvest. My Husbands favourite egg plants of two kinds. I am happy that this year we have at least a few more things growing than other years. Apples are the same spotted and not perfect. I think we should find a better part and take a bite. I hate the thought of chopping the tree off. But every year i am disappointed. I just hope i find a solution to make my apples spotless.
I am looking forward when i can have a proper schedule and start my day earlier and to to gym and have some workout. It's been three months and i am missing my excersices and Yoga. I have been trying to go for walks after we are done with dinner. It seems it is a long time. Cook, serve and then clean. It all seems like 6 hours. End of the day is tougher as i don't have any more strength. But i am looking forward to workouts to help me increase my stamina.
Kids are enrlled in different lessons and now my fall, winter and spring will be a lot of driving around. But i guess it is all worth it. Kids have attended a few summer parties and have been pesterting me to have one for them as well. Didn't i give a big b'day gift ot my older one by sending her to London? But i guess i have to do it for Little one!
All my classes are over, and now september will start my new classes. I am looking forward to start a few classes with teens. It is such a waste i know meditation and Pranayam and i am not imprting the knowledge. How can you fill a cup when it is turned upside down. But i am also sure i need to make more efforts to start classes.
It is kids first day of school and i am looking forward to start my own schedule. When you work form home and not have a set schedule your days are taken to be almost free. But let's see what this new academic year has in store for me!

Summer-I

It has been a long summer. Long and painful. I went to India in spring and spent over a month. Grieving and living in Ashram. It was hot but my stay in areas was OK as i wasn't exposed to heat as much. Bikaner was hot only in terms of family politics and people i didn't want to see. And Ashram was OK as it was air-conditioned. I know Ashram and air-condtioner do not go hand in hand, but it is a place where i could at least spend time away from the hotch-potch of family matters. I was away from my kids that was ripping me apart.
Every day was meditation and Yoga and lot of treatments for my body and mind. I was also getting a few training session with the Dr. on campus to help expand my knowledge of Yoga teaching skills. It was strange how i slept for my first 3 days. I was fatigued mentally and physically. I had jet lag and the greatest pain of loosing a sibling unexpectedly. Many days were a daze. I barely got a chance to talk to my kids. Or to anyone else in India. I was fasting and my days were spent Meditating, walking, attending yoga classes. Rest of the days were in the treatment area.

It was a place away from every possible streets i spend my life. There was no way of getting even a tooth paste. My option to be able to shop was 10-15 miles away and it would take me an hour to reach travelling a primitive Jeep. Not that i was missing anything. But the fact that i wasn't able to get up and drive myself anywhere used to knaw at me. i missed driving and be able to do things for myself. Serice was fantastic. Staff was extremely polite. I had missed the polite humble service of my home state for 20 yrs. It was great to be able to talk in my mother tongue and have fun with the local people as well as staff. During my stay i was trying to get some relief on my rotator cuff and my mind. I felt better with my mind but the shoulder didn't get any relief. So i decided to get the surgery scheduled ASAP.
As i was preparing for the surgery i was planning my garden and planting it too. I cleaned up kids winter clothes and putting in summer clothes. i had a lot of things to do and i spent my time back form India planning to get ready to do nothing for 2-3 months. I got in the surgery and experienced the most painful part of my life physically. I can't take pain-killers and so i had to tolerate most of the pain awake. After 3-4 days i realised i was asking my 11 yr old do a lot of things for me. Soi decided to send her for a wonderful and fun filled trip to London. She stayed with my brother and mooched around the locality! As she was away i experienced the most tough time in my recent memory. In couple of weeks i got Patty to work for me to help me for 3-4 hours a day which was always 4-5 hours a day. She is a blessing for me. I had big relief and survived through my tough days. I started driving in 2 weeks and then it became better. Shoulder was getting better and i started therapy three times a week. I am still undergoing therapy..................

Busha

My day started as a regular day. A few things started falling out of the place. We could not set an alarm and my DD missed her early morning band. And i tried to get the rest of the day in order. I got dressed for the morning walk. It was a wonderfully warm day. i wanted to take advantage of the weather and walk in the woods. I thought of my friend and called her to walk with me. I dropped my younger DD and i was waiting for my friend to come join me. I got a call form her. A panic call. She had found her mom not breathing ,her pulse was gone. She called para-medics and they told her that she had passed away in sleep. I was there a few minutes later and i stood by her side when priest said the last rites and funeral home guy came.
In a few minutes it was all over. She was gone. I first met her when i went to my friends home to have a cup of coffee. I found her to be an attractive and warm lady. She hugged me with love and a few weeks later without my knowledge she was my grandma. My friend is my kids adopted grandma. Since then every western holiday we are together in her house and every Indian in mine.
She was active and i always found her hair well done and speech sharp. She would never think of her self as old. She was 87. She was getting less active and was unable to drive. But her spirit was high and her voice very commanding. She had a Russian accent and she took time to frame certain thoughts but she was never old.
She would bake lemon bars for my booth in trade shows. She would bake muffins for my kids, and every Christmas she will host me in her house with her entire family. We live close by so it is easier to be there for everything that they do. Yesterday we had planned to have her over for my younger DD for her first Teej. She was wiling to try every Indian thing...be it food,clothes or festivals.
She lived a great life,worked hard , resettled in US and made a lot of friends. Her door has been open for all for a long time now. My friend lived with her for most of her life. Today she was gone for her journey home. I still can't come to terms with the fact that she will not walk into the hallway and ask me about my business.
It made me think, we fight and we have strong feeling for people but who knows who will go away one day without giving us a chance to make amends. But i think Busha had no one that had to make amends with her. She was a warm person full of love and charm. Always ready to volunteer to reach out and help out. I know you are wiping my tears right now as i write this note. But i had to help my friend grieve her mom i can't cry when i have to hold the fort.I will always love you and miss your smile. Busha stay with angels and don't forget the people you have left grieving behind.

Happy B'day dear Brother

My youngest brother turns 39 today. I am very happy that he is able to see one more B'day. I kept thinking of calling him but i kept forgetting it too. My heart goes out to him. I wonder who all would have wished him and what might have he done? He is living all by himself dealing with post stress syndrome. He is unable to hold a job but he is comfortable to live his life. he gets a bit of money to sustain life. I remember him to be a very anal yet extremely intelligent boy. I think we all petered him so much that he never could develop self confidence the way i did or others did. A constant nagging-raggin -and above all teasing led him to be a very impulsive and aggressive man. His intelligence opened most doors he knocked on and his anal focus got him several awards.
He was a feared commando and a fearless soldier. He dedicated his more than 7 young years of his life. As stress got to him, his attention and focus was not appreciated and he decided to quit the service he adored and held high. I knew that he had a very tough life and had long stressful postings. He was a pride for his regiment when he was feared and was fearless.
Today when it is his B'day and he is not where he was productive i wonder if anyone cares how he is and what is he doing? I am to be blamed too. In my world of stress and worries i have forgotten my family who is going through a tough time. Or am i just numb and detatched? I think the later as i do not want to slide down the path of depression. Especially when i am so far awy form everyone. When i think about my family i miss my time. I am missing every kind of occasion. Good and painful. I wish dear brother somehow you can recover and realise who you are and what you can do! Today as i sit here alone in my living room about to go to bed, i wish you a happy year ahead and a peacful life hereon. As a sister living farthest away apart from praying i don't have much to do for you.
So with all my heart and with my most sincere prayers i wish you a happy B'day and a cheerful life ahead.